Korang rase la ble agak nyer 1st tym korang lost confidence? Saye sgt2 tau ble...
Cerita saye bermula sejak dahulu kala lagi (nk tunjuk bape ancient nyer, hehehe)
It’s all begin with my very own name, NORAFIZAH BT ABD RAHMAN.. Nak tau pe yg wat lost confidence ngan name 2? Pade mule nyer xder la kesah sgt, x penah nk paham pn nape name tu important sgt ngn my self-confidence until la saye jmpe sorg pompuan ni (I still remember her face and her name and her house), leh lak die tanyer “Ko anak angkat eh?” Trus my confidence level drop to ZERO... Lari sume darah kt muke tym tu, jantung rs nk jatuh... By that tym br je 8/9 thn... Reasons die ckp camtu sbb;
- Name along--> Mazlyna
- Name angah-->Mazlyda
- Name abgà-->Azrul Irwan
- Name akak--> Mazlinda
Paham? Klu x paham, name saye not even close to any of my sisters, ngn abg lagi a jauh kan... Balik umah trus tyer bonda nape name lain, bonda jawab “sbb ms dalam perut igt ank laki, jd xder la siap kn name pompuan, x g scan jntina pn”... Fine, saye pk 2-3 ari, x puas ati g tanyer lg, bt this tym jwpn bertukar... Adehhh... Btol2 patah ati... Tanyer lagi dan lagi ttp jwpn x same, lain setiap kali nyer... Sampai 1 tahap saye tgk sijil lahir saye, compare ngan akak saye nyer (dlu mne der CSI kit, klu de pn xleh nk wat pe gak, huhu) nk tgk tulin ke x, btol ke name ayahda ngn bonda... Same jer ngn akak... Tp still x yakin sbb tym 2 jugak la byk drama kua ckp leh bli sijil lahir, ank angkat leh bin kn name ayah angkat sbb law x strict sgt... Hmmmm
Maybe da slalu sgt tanyer, 1 day along tolong jawab kn, along ckp abah g tanyer kat sorang ustaz nk bg adk nape ape, sbb nme akak2 xder makne, so ustaz pn bg la name nie, makne die ‘penggerak cahaya’... Saye smpn jwpn 2, klu org tye pn saye gune alasan nie... huhuhu (but a bit sad sbb bkn bonda yg bg alasan nie)... Pastu saye da x tanyer da pasal name saye lg...
But it’s not easy la ble de name lain nie, all the way I keep compare kn diri saye ngn sisters... Lg byk yg saye rs diff... Saye plg tgi, kening sume org tebal except me, cat kulit saye pn lain sume sisters putih2 jer... And worst of all ble de org ckp ank bongsu muke x same/ ank sedare ke? (Part of me cam redha if saye bkn ank bonda ayahda, sedih kn... huhuhu)
High school was the hardest, very low self esteem.. Easily hurt.. Worst part is I will hurt myself if anything goes bad (self injurer) Especially ble ter’pk psl nie.. It was like if I can make myself hurt more on the outside so I will feel nothing in the inside... But no matter how much lebam, luke, darah, sakit nothing can cater the load of pains in the inside...
Pastu abes SPM, dpt msk KPTM... BEGIN NEW CHAPTER, ms tu release gle rase sbb hope da x dga da soklan nape name lain or yg berkenaan la... YeeHaaaa!!!! Mmg da xder nk gtau org pn sape nme my siblings... Huhuhuhu
Then mase umur 19thn kt KPTM de wat kempen derma darah, 1st tym kut derma darah, even pastu almost pengsan/pening pale... But still it was my happiest day ever, bkn sbb menderma (being honest nie, hehehe) sbb de greatest reason saye derma darah sbb nk tau jenis darah jer, and I am an AB person, same blood type with my siblings(well sbb ayahda A bonda B)... Wohoooo.... Trus ilang da perasaan ‘not part of the family’ blk uma excited gile cite g derma darah and I am an AB type even pas dengar akak juz ckp ‘so?’... I don’t care, I am your sister... Hahha
I gain my self confidence and I able to find LURVE (finally!! Yippeee) He shows me light when I most wanted it... And he guide me to get out from self-injurer (even he don’t even know that I have it) Thank you for your unconditional lurve and passion through these years teddy bear...
10 years hidup x yakin, pk negative macam2 sume nyer sbb sorang pompuan yg mulut cabul sejak lahir... (FYI die mmg ske buli saye ms skolah rendah, da besar nie br sedar die bkn kwn saye tp pembuli saye.. Ufffff)
Moral of the story is pape yg jadi pn saye tetap ank bonda ngn ayahda, the bond is real even until afterlife... I love my family so much and where ever I go syurga tetap bwh telapak kaki bonda... My dear family, I am so sorry coz I kept such a huge doubt in my heart alone for over 10 years... Maaf kn adeq........
